Walking the Path Alone
Friends and followers’ most asked question. I feel lost without a Dom/DD in my life, how do I keep from going stir crazy? This question is asked of me most often and I have the same answer every time.
I have been there. I was there as a teenager, dating and finding myself. I was there as a married woman in a career and with children. I was there married and in an open relationship where I was free to find my soulmate. No matter where you are, we all have been without that anchor, that touchstone, who keeps our submissive heads from spinning and our skin from crawling with need. Maybe it is between partners or for long stretches of time. Your attitude is the most important…you have to see this as TIME TO LEARN YOURSELF. It is imperative to keep your faith and keep your chin up.
Serve yourself first. Serve your Dream second. How do you do that? You make yourself a map to navigate this part of your journey. Write out everything you dream of, everything he/she will be, how you want to serve, how you want to be served, what kind of submissive you feel you are. Take a BDSM checklist and date it to look back and see your growth. Put it in a journal, a Pinterest board, a tumblr, but put it out there into the universe and dig deep. Why the visuals, to keep yourself motivated. It is your map to show you what you’re working towards.
Then ask yourself, Am I ready for this Ideal Dom? Most often, the answer is, not yet. So serve the Ideal as you serve yourself and care for your needs. Is he an intellectual, is that your desire? Read books you haven’t yet tried, take a class, keep your grades up and finish your homework. Do you dream of being a domestic partner who meets every need in the home? Learn to cook, keep your home tidy, learn new ways to make life around the home easier. Etc. Cultivate YOURSELF. Care for YOURSELF. How else will you be an advocate for yourself in a relationship? This isn’t about tricking someone, you place value in attributes of a partner that you admire. Be genuine and honest with your dreams and yourself. But if you wish to be more than you are right now, YOU have the power to grow. You. All on your own. One day your Daddy will be so proud of your metamorphosis. But today, you’re working to be the best you ever. For you. For him/her. For the future. You’re investing in your wellbeing and your relationship.
You’ve written out your needs and desires, so you will know what you’re willing to compromise on when you meet a potential partner. Listen to your instincts. If you’ve cared for yourself, and looked deeper inside, you’ll hear a voice. Sometimes it is negative, born from years of mistreatment and pain. If so, seek peace and help with that pain. Don’t wait for someone else to patch you together. This is another way to serve you both. This will take time, years in my case, and more will be uncovered as you and your future partner learn more and push boundaries, so learn your own emotional land mines and begin working on healing as much as you can. When you feel you’re in a more secure place emotionally, listen to that voice and have your GUT be your compass. If I’ve ever acted out against my better judgement I always have that yucky, uncomfortable feeling in my stomach. Your compass is already inside you. Let your choices and the way you feel in them guide you along your path.
Be discerning. When a potential Dom appears, get to know him without the kink. Ask yourself if he/she is someone you would want to hang out with as a friend…then if he/she is someone you can see yourself being vulnerable with, growing with. Look back on your writings, are there too many compromises, are there any red flags? I don’t know a relationship that hasn’t had a flag thrown once or twice. Observe how he handles communicating and/or explaining himself. Notice how he resolves conflict. Journal that as well, the beginning of a relationship can be so heady with emotion and excitement your heart may miss details, so be your own best friend and write it out to reflect later when you’re alone.
Don’t walk alone. Seek out a group to chat with, other submissives who are just like you. Kik groups are forming all the time. Get involved in your kink community locally. If you’re comfortable and safe to do so, tell a vanilla friend. You may be alone but you don’t have to be lonely. There are so many walking this path solo as well. Be a sounding board for one another. Celebrate with them when they make a connection. Travel with friends to make the journey sweeter. Connections are the key.
Know thyself. Serve thyself. Value thyself. Keep faith. And remember, you are already enough. Having a Dom won’t make you more of a submissive. Not sexier, smarter, or more wonderful. Your future Dom will simply reveal the true you. It’s all there. You have that inside you right now. Let that truth light your path.
All the best to you , in all things, ~M